do this if you want to ruin a conversation.

“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.”​
— Dalai Lama

Ever been in a conversation where you just knew the other person wasn’t really listening? I recently had a conversation like that with a client.🤷🏽‍♀️A few minutes in, it became clear that she wasn’t interested in what I had to say because it didn’t align with her expectations. Basically, she didn't like what I had to say. In fact, she interrupted me frequently, saying, “That’s not right,” or “That’s not how it usually works,” and even added, “Let me educate you...”

It wasn’t a comfortable conversation for either of us. The core issue? Her own biases and assumptions about what she knew and how things are supposed to work blocked her ability to listen.

How bias and assumptions hinder successful conversations.

We’re all guilty of filtering information through our own assumptions. But when we assume we already know what the other person is going to say (or should say), it becomes impossible to truly listen. My client was so flabbergasted that this vendor wasn't doing business the way she expected, instead of engaging in a conversation with me to figure out our next step, she was “listening to complain” -- leaving little to no room for open and authentic dialogue.

What happens when we don't listen.

In moments where we aren’t fully listening, we might:

• Interrupt with corrections because we’re too focused on our own opinions.

• Dismiss the speaker’s words, believing we already know what’s right.

• Miss valuable insights that could change or improve our understanding.

My client’s reaction may have come from a good place, but her approach created a communication block that left both of us feeling frustrated. 😖

How to leave our biases and assumptions at the door.

Here are some tips to help prevent our own biases and assumptions from hijacking a conversation:

1. Pause Before You Speak​
   Give yourself a second to process what’s being said rather than jumping in to correct or counter. This brief pause can help us listen with curiosity and think before we speak. It can also give us time to ask ourselves whether we are even listening.

2. Ask Clarifying Questions​
   If something sounds off, ask for more information rather than assuming it’s wrong. Try to mirror the speaker by repeating the last 1-3 words (or critical words) they just said as a question. It opens a door for understanding and invites the other person to share their perspective in more detail.

3. Challenge Your Biases and Assumptions​
   Actively remind yourself that you don’t have all the answers. The other person might have a perspective or insight that could expand your own understanding.

4. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond​
   When you’re fully focused on understanding the other person, you’re less likely to impose your own biases and assumptions on them. Embrace moments of silence as you absorb what they’re really saying.

Action

Practice listening openly on every conversation. We have tiny conversations every day. You strengthen your listening muscles each time you talk to the cashier, the Lyft driver, your mom, or your colleague.

We can’t always control how others will respond, but we can choose to listen with openness, respect, and a willingness to learn.

Get out there and talk to anyone and everyone. Here's to building our listening muscles and making waves as we go. You got this 🤙🏽